Zenslaw

Unexpected and out of the blue...

I took this picture because I didn't want to forget...

It's taken me a week to actually be able to put it to words...

I wandered into a little bookstore last weekend just to have a look around...  I didn't really want anything new to read... I just wanted to be with the books... 

This was a really cool little store with lots of twists and turns and places to hide... and there was a small winding staircase which led to a room below ground...  When I went down there is was almost like I'd stumbled on the 'place where all my books went' because I was suddenly surrounded by all kinds of books that I'd read and loved... As I wandered around saying hello to old friends I came across one of my favorite childhood books, 'The Secret Garden'

I reached out for it when suddenly I was hit with one of those total recall type of flashbacks where I relived an incident from 5th grade in harsh, glaring detail.  I won't tell you what I did, but I'm not proud of it.  At the time I just didn't think about it.  It was no big deal, no one noticed...  Only watching that scene again through my adult eyes I knew... I knew that it WAS a big deal...  That some small part of myself that I'd thought was hidden... was really wide open... That not being called on something is not the same as getting away with it...

And it was like the ground fell out from under me...  And as I fell heels over head I wondered to myself, 'How anyone EVER survive if we have to remember every... single... thing...'

It took me the better part of 2 hours to be able to breathe again... and to tell myself that 10 year olds are not adults...  That making mistakes is part of growing...  That I could think about it later...

So I put it away until I could make it make sense... And strangely enough, it does...

This quest for self-actualization hopefully means that as I go on with this thing called life I will get better at it...  And keep getting better...

However if I do the math this means that who and what I was before is not as IMPROVED as who I am now and that hopefully who I am tomorrow will be WAY better than who I am today...  But it's really hard being reminded of where I started from...

Sometimes it's enough to knock the wind right out of me...

A light in the dark...

There's always a light in the dark... 

It's just a matter of how long until you lift your head to look for it...

The secret is to keep moving forward...

Though sometimes sitting at the bottom for a bit helps too...

Rambles that require no response are the best ones to respond to...

I remember the day that star woke up... I would never want to have to give that moment back...

There's always going to be endings really...

And no one you find will ever be 'enough'...

I know part of the problem is that when we don't have what we need we look outside ourselves to fill the empty places...

But that's not what causes the screaming void...

And it's not what's going to fix it...

It does get better... I promise... If you keep working at it it does get better...

Except when it doesn't...

And when that happens the best you can do is sit on the floor and wait for it to pass...

And not feel guilty about it...

And not try to pull something else in to fill the void...

Because then you're fooled into thinking you've fixed a problem that really isn't sure it wants to be fixed...

Who wants to give up the stars...

All you want sometimes is to make the dark a little quieter...

Do you ever feel like you are running out of time??

Not on a day to day basis...

But in total...  Like you're about to run out of life and you didn't really accomplish anything...

Well... spectacular?

Of course I know that I have have purposely chosen to limit the shooting star/fiery crash & burn factor in exchange for having time to actually enjoy living and breathing and loving and being present for my children...

But I still want to create... I still want things to spring to life from my hands...

And spin off with a life of their own...

And ok to come back from time to time...

I still love shiny things...

And I still owe someone a story about a girl in a well...

Once I taught a girl how to spin stars...

'It ain't no thang you know...'
'You could've learned it by yourself'

Except maybe not...

Sometimes it's nice to do something...

That no on else can do...

Once I taught a girl...

And she taught her girl...

I'm still really happy about that...

Up up up...

Stairs twist and turn...

One false move may prove to the be last...

Still it seems less scary when you are moving...

And the snow, though cold brings brightness and peace...

Where there is none...

Someone asked why strive when you are happy where you are...

I don't have a good answer but it feels a matter of life or death...

So who's to say it isn't...

I'll give you something to cry about...

Funny how one small thing can change your entire outlook...

And make today an entirely different day than yesterday...

Yesterday I was at the bottom of a deep deep well...  But even from there I knew it was silly, just an illusion... and that eventually it would pass...

Today... Today I have to start over...

Even from a sunny window seat...

Overlooking a sparkling (if man-made) lake, in the central time zone (which if I squint my eyes and tilt my head just right can be made to seem like my own time-zone still on daylight savings time)...

It STILL feels as though it's all going to come crashing down on my head any second...

And that breathing is strictly optional...

More balloons to get out of wells...

100 Birthday Balloons by foamhunter 

Maybe if I fill the well with balloons as sort of a pre-emptive strike, I won't fall so far down this time...

• Sunshine through the morning mist
• Knowing that my not-quite-grown daughter is just as likely to cry when I give HER a mushy card as when she gives me one
• Looking through the stack of mushy cards she's already given me
• Peeking over the edge of the well to see the pre-emptive well wishes already tossed in by people who love me
• Babies made of pure sugar who give you an angelic smile right before they attempt to launch themselves headfirst down the slide (well big brother did it!)
• Having 4 out of 5 'takers' on the 'Who's brave enough to try the zucchini casserole?' question.  (Who are you people and what have you done with the children who don't eat veggies?)
• All the sillysweet names my husband calls me when no one is around (and sometimes when they are, causing a chorus of yacking noises and eye-rolling by the giant children)
• Hearing the voice of one of my closest friends making fun of me for being convinced I was on the 'looooooooooooooser train' (now that I'm off) and remembering how totally and completely supportive he was when I was actually in that place...
• Good good coffee with lots of cream
• Stillness and peace that rings through the entire house and spreads out to engulf everyone I love and everyone THEY love no matter where (or when) they are

The weight of the world...

Hangs around my neck... a tiny black stone heavier than light...

Hung from a glittering melodramatic chain...

Making me feel like I should don a track suit which matches my adidas shoes...

Before I slide down the hill and into the lake...